February 11th

I miss Papa.

Yesterday, February 11th, is the anniversary of the day he died.

It makes today hard.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Today is Thursday and Thursday means Love. Today I'm loving that it's my last day of work and then it's 11 whole days of holidays! WOO! It's been a very long time since I've had a whole week of holidays (that wasn't spent in the hospital), since last Christmas I think. I woke up this morning and thought to myself, I can sleep in for 11 days in a row! WOO-EEE

I'm gonna sleep in, eat lots of yummy food and IMMERSE myself in Christmassyness!!!!

Last night

My favorite cousin and I met for dinner last night. It'd been a while since just the two of us had been able to get together, just to chat and catch up. Apparently we had a lot to catch up on - we sat there chatting for over four hours! So much had been going on in the last six months for us both, that even though we'd been seeing each other pretty regularly, we hadn't had a chance to just talk.

So that's what I'm loving on this Thursday. My Thursday love is for finally catching up on things I should have been there for all along....

The Blahs

I'm reluctant to write about anything too personal on here. I am an intensely private person and there is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable or embarrassed than to have other people know when I am unhappy or stressed or dealing with a problem in my life. I like to present a happy, content front to the world. I like to look strong. I'm not strong. I'm not strong at all.

There are some things going on right now that are making me feel so stressed and so weak on a daily basis. I don't know how to handle it, I don't know what to do and I certainly can't go out and talk to someone about it. I like to keep my life and my problems to myself.

However, this particular problem, one that has reared it's ugly head more than once in the past, is back again. Of course it's W. and back then, it was a upsetting to me, but in the grand scheme of things, not a deal breaker. I guess I should have forced the issue back then.

Even after everything he went through this summer with his health, he's back doing what I'm certain caused the whole problem. I love him too much to leave him now, and he knows it. So instead of quitting for my sake, or for his health's sake, or even for the sake of the family that we hope to have one day, he carries on. With that, comes the lying.

So not only do I have to worry about his health, I can't trust him, I don't believe anything he says and it's a horrible way to live.

It's starting to affect my whole life. I feel sad all the time, I feel stressed all the time, and I don't really know how to fix of it.

Hey! It's Thursday...

And we all know that Thursday is for love. So today my love is for Christmas! There is nothing that makes me happier than when Christmas rolls around. Oh, I know it's stressful with all the rushing and the people and the buying and everything. But it just all seems to go away when I see a Christmas Tree, or some Christmas lights, or even hear a Christmas song.

It's an automatic smile on my face when I drive by a house that someone has lit up and decorated. I love wandering through the aisles of Christmas decorations, and it's ALL I can do to wait until December to dress my house in all it's Christmassy glory.

I must admit, this year I didn't make it :) I've had lights up outside since the beginning of the month, and the decorations inside are going up THIS WEEKEND! WOO! I'll wait for my tree for a couple more weeks though... I always have a real tree, the artificial ones just aren't the same.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!

I wish I was there

Today I'm missing my horses. I was just looking at the pictures I have of them all around my computer and wishing that I was out there with them instead of in here. I love them at this time of year when they are all furry and fat. There's nothing more soothing in this world than when you stand in the crisp almost-winter air, with four horses breathing their sweet, hay scented breath at you. This is when they are best, when their funny personalities show, and they jostle around and beg for your attention.

Our four are so distinct too. The old chestnut mare, reserved and a bit standoffish, but she won't let you forget to give her some special attention too. Then there's our pushy little girl. In your face, graceful and beautiful... just like a teenager - look at me! Look at me! She should be at the awkward yearling stage, but this one hasn't had an awkward moment in her life. And our sweet, low man in the herd gelding. He's big and furry and just wants you to love him. He's just like a big teddy bear. Last and best, my big black, bossy man. He's never had a moment in his life where he hasn't known he was best. He's a star and I think he knows it. He has his sweet side too, when he snuffles your hair and put his head on your shoulder.

You never have these moments when you're focused on working and getting ready for showing. That's when they are all glossy and shiny and perfect and you're proud of their talent and their abilities and how hard they work for you.

But now, now is the time you love them just for being horses.

Jumping...

...on the Love Thursday bandwagon.

Love this week for me is finally (Finally!) moving into our very first home. It's brand spanking new and beautiful. I get that warm, shivery feeling every time I drive up the driveway and walk through the front door.

Ours! It's all ours and I love it!!!