Blue...

The weather is grey and wet. The fog is laying low over everything this morning and the air has that damp cold feeling that makes it impossible to warm up.

Work is overwhelming. I'm working late most days, it's a non-stop rush to get close to anything finished. I'm stressed.

Even home feels stressful right now. W. wants to go play hockey all weekend this weekend, he wants to go to Vancouver to a hockey game and he wants to go to a tournament in a couple weeks. I hate always saying no, but when he goes places it's hard on me. I try to be trusting, but I can't. I just can't. Also, our home finances suck right now. They really do. There is nothing extra and I know that if he goes to Vancouver, it's a $500 weekend. At least.

Also, it's my birthday and I can't help but feeling unimportant and abandoned if he goes. Like I don't matter.

And one more thing. We're having his relative show up this weekend to say for a while and he's dropping that on me too.

I think I'm depressed. I'm ready for winter to be over. I'm ready for the sun to come out.

The Blahs

I'm reluctant to write about anything too personal on here. I am an intensely private person and there is nothing that makes me more uncomfortable or embarrassed than to have other people know when I am unhappy or stressed or dealing with a problem in my life. I like to present a happy, content front to the world. I like to look strong. I'm not strong. I'm not strong at all.

There are some things going on right now that are making me feel so stressed and so weak on a daily basis. I don't know how to handle it, I don't know what to do and I certainly can't go out and talk to someone about it. I like to keep my life and my problems to myself.

However, this particular problem, one that has reared it's ugly head more than once in the past, is back again. Of course it's W. and back then, it was a upsetting to me, but in the grand scheme of things, not a deal breaker. I guess I should have forced the issue back then.

Even after everything he went through this summer with his health, he's back doing what I'm certain caused the whole problem. I love him too much to leave him now, and he knows it. So instead of quitting for my sake, or for his health's sake, or even for the sake of the family that we hope to have one day, he carries on. With that, comes the lying.

So not only do I have to worry about his health, I can't trust him, I don't believe anything he says and it's a horrible way to live.

It's starting to affect my whole life. I feel sad all the time, I feel stressed all the time, and I don't really know how to fix of it.

Woe is Me and Stupid Boy

I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything today. I had hockey out of town last night and didn't climb into bed until after midnight. I knew I wasn't going to sleep anyways, but W.'s trip from hell to work last night didn't help any. Poor guy was stuck on the highway for almost 5 hours because of an accident in front of him, and because the road crews couldn't get it together to get some gravel down, or the snow plowed or anything. So, once he got out of there and was kind of able to turn around, rather than driving back and going the other way, he decided to take some old logging roads and hope that he came out at work. So it's the middle of the night, his cell phone is dead and he's driving around the snowy bush in his CAR. I was worried to say the least. He didn't make it to work until almost 2 am. That's when I finally go to relax and go to sleep. And that made getting up at 6:30 am pretty darn hard. I've been head achy and tired all day, and there's more hockey watching tonight, so I don't even get to don the comfy pants and hop in the recliner for the evening. Poor Me.